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this is part of what I wrote to L this morning.. hate to drop this kinda thing on people, but I'm selfish, and need to let her know.. +++ hey... I think I "need" to say something.. and you have to take my word that it's not meant to make you feel bad or to give a guilt trip or anything like that... just that like I said, i havent really spoken to anyone abt it, and need to externalise.. i'm sorry that I was a little sullen on sat.. it was a combination of work, tiredness, etc.. but somehow it was sucky seeing you across the road on Sat aft, and just knowing what you were going to do.. I guess something's happening between you and [X] again.. for what it's worth, to a large extent I think it doesnt even have anything to do with what I feel about you anymore... but more to do with our friendship over the past, i dunno, 4 months? I've dug deep into the recesses of my mind, and i guess what's been troubling me are 2 main things lah... firstly, when my friendship with [Y] started sliding somewhat, you were the one whom I looked to for friendship and companionship.. and you were a wonderful provider of those 2 things.. i guess I took just about all of my eggs out of the [Y] basket and put it into yours, such that I've become more emotionally attached to you than was healthy i guess.. secondly, maybe what made it extra painful was i never saw the period when I was gradually being displaced.. in a way, i guess it's a painful but short slap in the face when you can see it coming, but in this case there was just one day / week, some months later, when I woke up and realised that in a way, you were already out of the door... I ask myself what friends are we right now, and I dont have an answer.. i think I'm not terribly articulate right now.. but what I mean to say is that there was a time when we'd talk about everything and nothing every sunday afternoon, and spend many of our sundays together watching movies, etc... then ure mean spell at work came, and u'd say that you spent your weekends at work... but after a long time, i realised sometimes ure work weekends didnt end all that late, and u had time for dinners and movies too.. i know to some extent my "realisations" may not be accurate, and to a larger extent it would have been difficult for you to say whether you could get off work in time for dinner or a movie in time... It might hurt, but i could try to understand if the point was that you wanted to spend time with [Y] to the exclusion of other people... but somehow the impression i got from you was always that you simply had no time to do anything much because of work and nothing else... until 1 day I realised that, hey, I'm not the one u watch movies with anymore, u'd rather spend time with, etc... this was in that "nasty" email i said I wanted to send you the day you were down with migraine, and thot u werent return my call to make sure u were alright, or ure promise to let me know how you were in the evening.. it's festered too long in me, and I need to let it out.. sorry it prob causes a little dint in ure already sian monday morning.. +++